Ninjabetic – It just seems so obvious to have a plan

Walking into my consultant’s room I spotted a pillow and a tourniquet that had been placed on his desk. Eyeing it up with a sudden rush of panic and a longing to back out of the room, I knew what was coming…

After some waterworks, a nail-biting few seconds of digging around for a not-so-superficial vein and a few distracting stories from Dr C about “the olden days”, the blood test was over and I was suitably embarrassed about my mascara stained face. Note to self… wear waterproof mascara to each appointment from now on.

Part 1 (the dance of the sugar plum needle), it turned out, was actually pretty easy and over in a flash! I even lost my mind and thanked Dr C for taking my blood rather than furiously crossing him off my Christmas card list.

Next came part 2 and the waiting game began… The a1c result itself plays a large part in me not wanting to have the test, and I’m fully aware that this is the biggest barrier that I come up against in my diabetes management. I often tell myself that because I see my consultant every 12 weeks and we thoroughly analyse my glucose readings, that the snapshot of the last three months the a1c gives doesn’t matter much. However, in the back of my mind I know that my glucose results do not show the whole picture. They show small snippets of what my control is like, but combine them with an a1c and there’s a much clearer and more helpful view.

Many thoughts bounce through my head as I await my result…
“What if it hasn’t improved despite the work I’ve put in?”
“What if my teams judge me as a result of my result?”
“What was so and so’s result and how will mine compare?”
“What can I do to improve it?”

I’m unsure of why, but the thought of the result, the consequence of my actions, the outcome that is so uncertain, has caused me to build up a wall, protect myself and has lead me to hide it. I feel like it’s something that I need to keep for myself… maybe because every other aspect of my diabetes is always open for public viewing.

It was only today (five days after receiving my result) I realised that the only thought I should be concerned with is what I can do to improve things for next time. The other thoughts don’t actually matter at all. Worrying doesn’t change the result, nor does comparing myself to others. Change is all that matters and change is what can bring about better results for me and, in turn, it will alleviate some of the anxiety and worry for next time.

Part 3 is yet to be implemented as I’ve never really reached this stage before…
I also realised today that after my HbA1c results I never plan for how I’m going to bring about change. I muster up some enthusiasm and motivation for a few weeks after the result but I’ve always done this alone and within a few weeks I fall back into my old ways.

It just seems so obvious to have a plan… a solid, realistic and measurable plan

I’ve never asked my healthcare team for help in bringing my a1c down as I assumed this was the overall goal anyway. However, without a clear plan, how will I know where to start? How will I be able to pick myself back up when I fall if I don’t know where I’ve stumbled? How will I know if I’m heading in completely the wrong direction? How will I keep myself motivated and show others that I’m achieving? It just seems so obvious to have a plan… a solid, realistic and measurable plan. Why didn’t I think about this before…

So rather than waiting for my next appointment I’ve decided to hatch a plan now and then spring it on my consultant! I’m sure he’ll be delighted to hear that I have an elaborate plan up my sleeve and I know that together we will sit down with my fancy, all singing all dancing ideas, and he will help me to fine tune them. His support will also be much needed and I can guarantee that it will be given because we do work very much as a team… or at least I think we do anyway! There is clearly an opportunity and a need for change and there’s nothing stopping me from taking it other than myself. Though perhaps this will be the one result I’ll keep away from public viewing for now.